Change is Hard

For everyone who has told me to update my blog, here goes...

Where do I begin? Perhaps with my double chin...

Since I posted the last blog, I did not accomplish my goal. I tried on the dress the night before leaving for my trip to KY for the wedding, and it was way too tight for me to sit and be comfortable, okay...so maybe it was too tight for me to breath. Regardless, I decided that I was going to have to buy a dress once I got there. It was actually the first dress I tried on, and it was around the same price, so no love loss there.

But, here it is, the first day of school and I am wearing rolled up jeans and my work polo, when I should be in some super cute outfit that makes me feel amazing. But, the truth is, I don't feel anything. I don't feel any guilt or remorse for not fitting into the dress, and that scares me a little. And, other than my cute hair-cut, I haven't really felt all that good about myself lately.

My addiction to food is almost like a bad relationship. I say I am going to leave, but I am afraid to stop the habit completely. I build up my confidence, work really hard for a few months, lose some weight, then I get stuck. I fall back into the familiar pattern of coffee and sweets in the morning, and then going out to lunch sometimes instead of always packing, and then grabbing some fast food just because it's easier than cooking dinner.

At least I can say I am honest. Brutally honest at times, and I think that's what I need to hear in return as feedback. I don't want anyone to read this and say, you can do it Michelle, I know you can. I want you to say, get off your ass and kick the bad food to the curb!! (Okay, so maybe I want support also).

But, it's more than just food...

My life hasn't been the easiest in the past couple of months, and a lot of it I have brought on myself. I have lived in fear, and allowed it to control and manipulate the way I think and feel about myself. I do know that I really want to be happy, whatever that means. I can't think of the last time I was truly just happy with Michelle. Not just moments, but for lengthy periods of time.

Every year around this time I start thinking about my life and my future. I think how much I would love to go back to school and pursue my dreams, and not get stuck in a routine that, although at times can be very challenging and fulfilling, doesn't make me feel complete. I am very blessed to have my job, and to be able to experience things and meet new people. But, something is happening inside me that is screaming, I need to dig deeper.

Maybe it's because I am going to be 30. Maybe it's because I am trying to find myself in a recent sea of insecurity and doubt. Maybe it's because I am challenging everything I ever thought to be true about relationships. I'm not sure what is happening to me, other than that I am growing and learning and living.

And, with that comes change. Hard change. I watched Eat, Pray, Love last night, and it really made me think about my life. Now, realistically, I cannot afford to take an entire year off to visit Italy, India, and Bali to find myself, but I guess I can do little things to help me shift my focus towards the right path.

I'm starting with today, just talking out loud...